I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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