I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The best revenge is premature balding
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
