i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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