Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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