Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
