Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
