They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
