why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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