my room smells like sperm. sweet.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
