I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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