I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
