for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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