You're my little dorito
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
