85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
