I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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