this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
