My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
