My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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