She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
