Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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