Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
