i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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