Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
