How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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