the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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