I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
