you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
