Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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