You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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