Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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