if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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