I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
