mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
