I love black thongs
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Im part way to drunk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize