It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
