so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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