I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think your dad took our porno
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
