his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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