fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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