I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
