It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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