I wish I only lived at night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
