I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
