I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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