My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
