After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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