i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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