dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
