what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
