Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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