i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
