I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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