Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
