i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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