I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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