I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
