Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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